Tax Day Wordplay

“Death, taxes and childbirth! There’s never any convenient time for any of them,” writes author Margaret Mitchell. I second that, and I will add blizzards to the list, especially after the winter we’ve had in good ole NoDak.

Tax Day is April 18, and this year it’s a doozy. The IRS changed the W-2 form a couple of years ago, and since then many of us have been trying to crack the code that tells us exactly how many extra dollars to have deducted from each paycheck to avoid paying a boatload of money to the IRS each April.

As a business owner, I’ve had to make numerous adjustments to my employees’ payroll deductions over the past two years. It was no big deal when it wasn’t my bottom line affected. I just took more from someone else’s paycheck. This year I got bit by the bug.

It’s my own fault. I guess I should have taken the regular adjustments to other people’s deductions as a warning sign that my own family’s taxes would be affected. But I didn’t. I also bypassed my annual early December “check-in” with my tax accountant. Big mistake.

Now I’m scraping together the funds I need to pay off Uncle Sam before the penalties and interest kick in. I’m also analyzing my expenses to see where I can make adjustments to reduce my tax liability this year, and I’ve already made that December 2023 appointment with my tax man.

All this number crunching has me stressed to the max. As I do anytime something gets me anxious, I make jokes. In order to make light of my unfortunate situation, I combed the Internet looking for historic one-liners and quirky jokes about taxes. Laughter really is the best stress relief.

I hit the jackpot on The Story Exchange with “25 Funny One-Liners About Taxes” by Barbara Weltman (https://thestoryexchange.org/25-funny-one-liners-about-taxes/)

So here I give you my favorites from the list, along with commentary on current events that reflects my mood this tax season.

“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?” asks humorist Peg Bracken.

I don’t know either, Peg. For as much criticism as journalists get about spinning the narrative, politicians sure know how to wordsmith a public policy statement to get a favorable response from their supporters. During election time, the stakes are higher, and they pay their campaign speech writers big dollars to do exactly that.

Which leads me to the next one, by economist Milton Friedman: “Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay.”

It’s all fun and games until you’re the one paying!

At the local level, taxes are having an effect on us too.

In Carrington, there’s a proposal before the city council to levy a 1 percent restaurant tax for tourism infrastructure. The Carrington Convention & Visitors Bureau is hosting a meeting on Tuesday night to answer questions residents have about the tax.

The headline of an advertisement for financial services firm Morgan Stanley reads, “You must pay taxes. But there’s no law that says you gotta leave a tip.” That sounds like something the folks pushing the restaurant tax would say. After all, they’ve already said that if I don’t want to pay the tax, I should just simply avoid eating out at my favorite local restaurant. I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure how that increases economic activity in our community.

Meanwhile, the New Rockford City Commission approved the first reading of a new lodging tax ordinance last week. That’s a bit more palatable, considering the only people paying that tax are visitors to our community who reserve a hotel room while in town. Besides, I would pay that same tax in almost any other community where I seek accommodations, including Carrington.

“The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has,” humorist Will Rogers jests. Have you seen the DPRCA show “The Fox on the Fairway” yet? This is one quip that could easily have been incorporated into the script.

“You can never appreciate your kids more than at tax time.” Yes, my husband and I have three automatic tax deductions right now. I don’t look forward to the day when they are all on their own and we can no longer legally claim them as dependents. Then we’re really going to pay, unless we get better at creative accounting.

I will close with a funny in honor of our agricultural economy:

Why doesn’t the IRS audit cows?

Because the farmer milked them dry.