Guest: Do you sound unprofessional at work?

My handy-dandy “column topic radar” lit up when I encountered an internet article called “12 Phrases You’re Using That Make You Sound Unprofessional.”

(This is not to be confused with the equally intriguing online article titled “12 Phrases That Would’ve Been 13 Phrases If That %$#* Black Cat Hadn’t Revved Up My Superstitious Streak.”)

The author helpfully pointed out a number of utterances that can make you appear immature, unfocused, unhelpful, inflexible, whiney, too casual or too something to all the delightfully judgmental Stepford Co-workers who impact your career trajectory.

Yes, failure to put adequate thought into how you are perceived by colleagues can render you unqualified for that coveted Employee of the Month plaque. (“It’s not fair! I need that plaque to cover the hole my fist made in the wall!”)

Knee-jerk reactions such as “That’s not my job” would certainly resonate with those of us who know uncooperative co-workers, but the author also nitpicked over seemingly benign phrases including “I’ll try,” “No problem,” and “I think.” (“I think, therefore I am… ‘accidentally’ leaving my wallet at home whenever co-workers are peddling band candy for their kids.”)

The article was adamant about finding a more nuanced version of the defeatist phrase “That’s impossible.” So, if your regional manager demands, ‘I want to see Elvis and an honest politician sharing a bucket of fried dodo bird… yesterday,’ I suppose you should respond with, ‘*Sigh* Nobody enjoys telling the regional manager that economic reality means he’s not going to see Elvis and an honest politician sharing a bucket of fried dodo bird yesterday, but…”

The author encouraged workers to embrace challenging assignments, so I’m determined to identify other phrases that should never be heard in your factory, office, store or restaurant.

For starters, you probably wouldn’t climb many rungs on the corporate ladder by announcing in the boardroom, “I always take my social interaction advice from clickbait websites that no one has ever heard of before.”

And it’s commendable to exhibit a positive attitude; but “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…woooo woooo!” is probably not the best look to exhibit for clients.

Likewise, assertiveness has its place; but you can unwittingly build an indelible negative reputation by chiming in with, “Dibs on whatever is writhing in the darkest corner of the break room fridge!”

Other things probably better left unsaid:

“My daddy always told me ‘measure twice, cut once’ — although blunt trauma has worked for me on a couple of occasions.”

“Oopsie. If you’re not too busy, check to see if the five-second rule counts for transplant organs.”

“Let me show you how we would have handled this back at Chernobyl.”

“I know there’s an inventory issue. But there was shrinkage! Shrinkage!”

“Mister, I know you just wanted an oil change; but once I popped open your hood…I realized, ‘Duke, you are about to fulfill your lifelong dream of buying Elon Musk!’”

“There is no ‘I’ in ‘team.’ Or in ‘banana’ or in ‘shoehorn’ or in ‘Saskatchewan’ or…say, how come the employee manual never warned us about this eerie trend???”

A word to the wise is sufficient. If you need to tweak your workplace vocabulary, get right on it.

Me? I THINK I’ll have NO PROBLEM, er… TRYING to …

Hmm… “12 Phrases You Can Utter With Impunity If the Regional Manager Lets You Work Remotely”…