Guest: Holiday cage match

Since the chaos of election season has ended, and we’ve stopped receiving daily text messages asking us to contribute a few dollars to our favorite candidate’s legal expense fund or celebrity endorsement financing plan, we can turn our attention to more important matters, like gravy.

Seriously, though, I’ve read several articles recently warning that Americans should avoid discussing political topics during holiday gatherings in order to avoid conflict, hurt feelings and damaged sheetrock. The problem is that arguing is a cherished pastime in some families, and a full-contact sport in others.

To keep the tradition of passionate family debating alive, below are a few controversial topics that should keep holiday gatherings lively without inciting fisticuffs or sacrificing the structural integrity of dining rooms.

First, and speaking of gravy, there is the age-old question of whether gravy should or should not include giblets. “What are giblets?” you may ask. No one really knows, but it’s a funny word to say, and it’s probably best not to ask too many questions. Apparently, turkeys and chickens grow their giblets inside a small plastic pouch that can only be retrieved by giving the bird a thorough cavity search (preferably once the bird is deceased). This procedure should only be performed by a trained professional who is sworn to secrecy regarding the precise identity of the giblets­–in order to protect the privacy of the poultry.

Next is the contentious issue of cranberry sauce. The question usually comes down to berries or no berries. In other words, should the cranberry sauce come out of the can looking like a murder scene or a giant earthworm segment? I suppose there are skilled artisans in remote areas of the northern tundra who don’t have enough to do, so they make their own cranberry sauce. I don’t know how it’s done, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve a cavity search.

I realize I’ve already mentioned this too many times for most family publications, but speaking of cavity searches, there is the important debate about dressing or stuffing. My family has always enjoyed dressing with our holiday meals, and I usually ingest enough of it to sicken a large standard donkey. I’ve never really understood why it’s called “dressing,” although I do love it enough to wear a feed bag full of it in public – on a date with my wife, even. As for stuffing, the name makes perfect sense. (See cavity searches.) And since you’re in there, anyway, spelunking for the giblet bag, I suppose you might as well cram that space full of something delicious that you can extract after cooking – hopefully hidden from the innocent gaze of the kids’ table.

Although there are plenty of other topics to debate during family holiday gatherings, like whether to top your pie with aerosol whipped cream or spray the entire can directly into your mouth, the aforementioned issues should get you off to a good start. And if these aren’t enough, you can always argue over who gets to do the poultry cavity search.